“We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.”

― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Saw this when I was reading-aloud a book called 5 Love Languages for my daughter (she’s five. I know, right? Start them young as they say), when I was trying to get her to sleep. I was too lazy to get up and grab a book from the shelf, and as I was just reading something on my Kindle, I just used whatever book I saw, and lo and behold, here we are.

I started reading aloud after a few chapters until my kid fell asleep. After a while, my ears hurt because of my shrill and annoying voice, but I noticed the desire to continue reading – and so I did.

A few minutes in, I finished the chapter for Words of Affirmation. I’m not qualified to explain it, but I’ll try to do so in the simplest way I can – positive words equals good. Then onto the next which is Quality Time – which is the point of this article, trust me.

I was gently reminded, that “togetherness” does not mean “proximity”. Sure, we can be on the same roof, or even the same room with anyone, but if they are not focused on you (like cellphones, am I right?), then it’s just being on each other’s proximity. You are not “together”.

Quality time, from what I understood, is time where we focus on someone that we love. Like, playing Minecraft with your kid, or playing catch. Or talking with your wife/husband about things that are just random (sometimes not) and knowing that you are safe and “together” when conversing. To keep things simple, it is being “at the moment”. You know what I mean, no cellphones or TV or calls, etc.

My wife and I have these types of conversation usually around 1AM onwards, where we gossip and talk s*** about things when our kids are sleeping. Sorry for that word, but it is what it is, and we are having fun. Personally, it is one of the best bonding times that we have – no cellphones; no tv. Just us, and sometimes a quick order from McDonalds too.

On a serious note, there are times when she opens up some problems or issues, and I respond by giving advice. I do give the it for the same problem every time she opens it up. I do it over and over again. After a while, I notice on our talks that she doesn’t talk about it anymore, but I know she is still burdened with it. I usually just let it go, but until now, and after a few years in the marriage, I know I was wrong.

Sometimes, people might be trained to analyze problems and create a solution. But may this be a gentle reminder that relationships are very different. Sympathy and understanding are what it needs most of the time and not solution. This very simple gesture with a person is enough to make them feel that they are being heard and loved – not analyzed. Perhaps, with this day and age, we tend to forget that relationships are not digital, where it is all 1s and 0s. It is far more complex, and sometimes, not all the time, no buttons or decision should be pushed. Sometimes we just need to be there, understand, sympathize and listen.

When my wife and I talk and she opens up her problems and issues, we usually do it on our quality time, and we are together. However, from how she reacts with my usual response, I feel that she feels that I’m pushing her away, and the “quality time” that we should have feels different – like she is not safe in the space what we are in and she cannot open up her heart fully. It feels we went from “together” to “proximity”.

Remember when I said that relationships are not 1s and 0s? Yes, it is true, and that is proof. Sure, you might be spending time with your beloved. Sure, you are together and focused on each other, but perhaps the “time” you are giving isn’t “quality”. A relationship is not a project to complete or an essay that needs to be analyzed.

Be there. Understand. Sympathize. Listen.